Life, Neutrally Buoyant

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

If you’re new here - welcome! But if you’re not, you have probably noticed some changes.

The aesthetics, yes, but most impactful - the name. Why the change?

Girl on the Gogh served me greatly during a period in my life when I was desperately trying to figure out who I was. I was drawn to the casual madness of Vincent Van Gogh’s art, and the deep creativity and inventiveness of his life, as sad as it ended. The years directly before launching Girl on the Girl were arguably the hardest and heaviest of my life and I felt buried under the version of me that I had created to protect myself from the pain. I was battered and bloody from battle - my own and those of others - and I wanted out of all of it. I quite literally wanted a blank canvas to recreate Alex, and I wanted to paint with colors I’d never used before.

I wanted to be something, someone, new. Shinier. Lighter.

Now, we all know this can’t really be done. No matter how much paint you throw on top of things you don’t want to see, it will eventually bleed back through. I didn’t know that then though, and honestly it’s okay that I believed I could do that because it’s what I needed. I needed to believe that I could be brand new in order to have to courage to do what I did. In order to release the guilt and expectations and everything else I was holding. I am thankful for the courage Girl on the Gogh gave me.

But Girl on the Gogh wasn’t were this all started. Prior to , I had another blog. My first blog - one that I left behind for this new version. That blog was called Life, Neutrally Buoyant. Yes, it’s a diving reference. More and more I’ve found myself drawn back to this concept. Girl on the Gogh certainly doesn’t lack diving references and metaphors, but I do feel it’s time to close that special time of my life. Funnily enough, it seems it’s time to go back to who I always have been.

So, yes, you’re seeing changes here on the blog. I’m sure you’ve seen changes in the girl, too. There’s still a lot more to come, but for now, I’ll leave you with the very first post I wrote back in 2012.

A huge part of me wants to edit what 22 year-old Alex wrote, but I’m resisting. Even though I desperately want to smooth it out and relax the tone. Even though I seemed to be, if it’s even possible, sassier and even heavier on the metaphors (I’m still guilty of using diving to get many points across - in fact, I’ve used the below metaphor on someone recently, right after rediscovering the post). But despite everything I’ve experienced since I wrote it, despite a full-on attempt to completely reinvent myself, I am still, incredibly, a girl who’s really just trying to dive in. Diving saved me from things I didn’t know I needed saving from when I was a teenager, as it still does today. And somehow I realized that enough to use it to make sense of the world.

As a girl who’s just trying to figure out life, neutrally buoyant.

Without further adieu, here is the first blog post I ever released out into the big, wide, world as it was originally written.

The Trick is to Keep Breathing

Ever heard that old saying, "every action has an equal and opposite reaction?" Newton's Law and all that fun high school science? Well, if you've been living and learning at all, you've probably come to realize that that saying ends up being true 97.43% of the time. Maybe the reaction takes a little longer, or is disguised as something completely different, but, it happens.

Now that I've got you agreeing with me, however, I'm going to switch gears slightly and focus on a different old-guy's theory.

Archimedes' Principle states that an object is buoyed up by a force equal to the weight of the water (or liquid) it displaces. In other words, the action of placing an object into water (I'm going to stop saying liquid now, that word kind of freaks me out) has an exactly equal reaction.

Where exactly am I going with all of this? Hang in there with me for a couple of more minutes. I'm getting somewhere, I promise.

Archimedes' Principle is very familiar to scuba divers. Maybe after some time, they forget the actual name of the principle, but the concept is repeatedly practiced and more commonly referred to as the quest for neutral buoyancy. Okay, "quest" is probably a little dramatic, but this is my blog and where else am I going to get to use that word?

Anyway, neutral buoyancy is a skill/concept that is taught to all divers and something that isn't learned overnight. In fact, as an instructor with over 300 dives under my belt, neutral buoyancy is something I still work on. But let me slow down so you can get what I mean. It's probably important that I properly explain the concept in the title of this blog.

Here's some vocabulary for you. Make sure you are paying attention - it's tough.

Positive Buoyancy: An object floats.

Negative Buoyancy: An object sinks.

Did you get that? Are you sure? Okay ... So, I'm guessing your mind has already logically defined this next term but I'm going to do it for you anyway. You're welcome.

Neutral Buoyancy: An object neither floats nor sinks.

That sounds pretty simple, right? All you have to do is find balance. Except, it's not that simple. There are a lot more factors that come into play. Too much weight, too little weight? Salt water or fresh water? Have more fat or more muscle? Wearing a wetsuit? Are you breathing heavily, normally, or too shallow? Is your gear streamlined? Etc, etc. As you can see, there are a lot of things that play a role in achieving that perfect state of balance in the water so your 're not eating sand or practicing glorified snorkeling. It can be overwhelming. And the more overwhelmed you get, the more frustrated, and the worse the problem gets.

Have you figured out where I'm going with this yet? ... So smart.

Neutral buoyancy is something I am very familiar with after 7 years of diving. It's comes second nature to me. I don't have to think about all of the factors one by one. I know how to make the right adjustments just from experience.

But after 22 years on this planet ... I still don't know how to live life neutrally balanced. I haven't figured out how to identify the problems in my life, let alone how to make the small adjustments so I can stay balanced.

Just like everyone else, I have things dragging me down - unneeded weight if you will (I know, this metaphor is just so brilliant. I'll pause for applause). Underwater, I would hardly think about the adjustment I'd have to make - drop the weight, or compensate with a little extra air in my BC (I'm going to lose some of you with diving terminology, just go with it! Or hey - GET CERTIFIED). But for some reason, in my life, I struggle. I try to drag that extra weight around with me, and I still wonder why I'm sinking. The weight can represent anything - feelings, worries, anxiety, people, memories, something physical, something mental ... Whatever. It's different for everyone, and constantly changing. Instead of dealing with the weights properly, sometimes I panic. Which fixes nothing.

You can get stuck on the surface, too. Forced to look down at everyone else who is "getting it." You want to be down there so bad, but you're scared of adding too much weight - you're scared to face issues properly and adjust to them. You don't want to tackle the weight, so you just keep wishing and watching. I've found myself here before plenty of times.

When I'm teaching sometimes I watch a student and I think, "Why won't they just stay still, evaluate, and relax instead of twisting up gear and smashing themselves into the bottom or sending themselves soaring to the surface? Why can't they just take their time and work with the gear, their body, and the environment, instead of against it all?" It's because they don't know what neutral buoyancy feels like. You can understand the concept all you want, but until you know the feeling you're looking for, it's a struggle.

The golden rule of diving is never stop breathing. To achieve neutral buoyancy, you have to control your breathing. If you are truly balanced, inhaling will rise your body ever so slightly and exhaling will lower it ever so slightly, so you essentially stay balanced and still in the water column (if there's not some kind of crazy current happening). I get this. Completely. No matter what situation I've faced while diving, I've never stopped breathing. I don't get anxious.

On land ... well, that's a different story. Anxiety, unfortunately, is a weight that I don't like to pack on, and it keeps me at the surface more than I'd like. When faced with certain situations, I don't follow the golden rule even though it's the key to maintaining balance. I forget to keep breathing. I let the idea of the extra weight paralyze me, instead of adjusting. It's a problem, clearly.

Now, I'm not one who likes to miss a dive. So, why am I letting myself miss out on life?

If you're still with me, I guess what I'm getting at is that, I'm on the quest. The quest for a life, neutrally balanced. This blog is me turning back to writing, an outlet that has always helped me. And if you relate to anything I've said, this is me inviting you along.

Jump in, the water's fine.

Alex