How to be Single — Life, Neutrally Buoyant

Originally written September 15, 2016

A couple nights ago, I couldn't fall asleep. I was scrolling through iTunes and landed on How to Be Single. I saw it in theaters and remembering having a few laughs, so I thought "why the heck not."

Let me just start off by saying this is a C+ movie, maybe even just a regular old C. I've certainly seen better. However, sometimes things (books, movies, people) return and hit you at the right time and something has shifted.

Now, I've effectively been single for 26 years, so surely I should have identified with the movie when I saw it in theaters less than a year ago. And I did. But mostly with the "girl-power," "ra-ra" standing on my own two feet part.

With quotes like this:

"We're embarrassed to admit we're single, and try to pretend that we're not. We're supposed to act all cheerful and happy about it. But why should we be embarrassed? We're living longer, marrying later and refusing to leave the party before we're really, really done."

I'm embarrassed by a lot of things. Admitting I'm single is not one of them (although, I totally feel when people judge me about it). So I'm TOTALLY on board with the above quote, then and now. I have no interest in leaving the party before it's over. I love my life. I love the confetti falling through the cracks. I love my career. I love the things that I get to do. I love that I can call all of my own shots, without compromise or discussion or fighting. I don't have to think of anyone else when I book a flight to a foreign country or when I spend too much on sushi or when I work too many hours. Good choices and bad choices - they're all on me. I can handle myself. I don't need anyone else. Baby, I'm a new romantic! I've got this.

But then, as I sat there snacking on my SkinnyPop jalapeno popcorn (yes, it's a thing) a different quote, from out of nowhere, snuck up and slapped me across the face.

"How good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn't there a danger that you'll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you'll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?"

Okayyyyyyyyyyyy.

This ... I admit, scares me a little. Because - I have no idea. How good have I gotten at being single? I'd venture to say if it were a test, I'm at least in the 90's. It's all I know. When I was younger, in my teens and early twenties, I was very self-conscious and embarrassed about it. I'm not now. Nor do I think will I ever be again.

However, have I passed the line from being okay with who I am to being shut off to who I could be (with)?

To be honest, and as far as topics go this one is pretty raw, it's not like guys are beating down my door (where the HELL are you Leo?). So, in reality, it's not like day to day I'm shutting guys down, rolling my eyes and placing myself on a girl power pedestal. But I am certainly quick to shut down, turn away, or find a reason why it'd never work.

I don't know what that means. Okay. I do. I'm scared (of letting someone too close, of getting hurt, of not having full control).

Also, what I said earlier is true. I'm not ready to leave the party.

But this isn't just about guys and romance. It's about any relationship. I say I don't like clingy guys. Fact. But I also can't deal with clingy people. And the more I think about it, it might be more my fault than anyone else's. Because what I describe as "clingy" might not be quite as dramatic as my brain computes it to be. I have an incredibly hard time with people who try to get too into my life. Family, friends, co-workers - doesn't matter. I'm fine with casual conversation. I'm fine with deep conversation. However, I don't like it when people feel like they know everything about me. I don't freaking know everything about me! BACK IT UP. Literally, I say those exact words in my head.

Sure, I let some in. But it takes a longgggggggg time for it to really happen and stick. And even then, I still have my moments.

At the end of the day though, being single is still about neutral buoyancy. Being single isn't a singular thing. Woah. I think I just wrote myself into some advice I need to take,

Life is about finding the balance between singleness and companionship (whatever that means).

"The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime of being alone you may only get one moment. One moment when you're not tied up in a relationship with anyone: a parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then, it's gone."

This blog post isn't an application for Match.com, so don't get the wrong idea. It's also not me complaining about being single. It's okay that I take my time - I'm old enough and I've learned enough that I can decide who I want in my life and who I don't. But maybe I do need to take a step back sometimes and see if I'm being balanced.

I guess it's just me being real. I'm happy, lonely, free, and confused at the same time (or whatever that T. Swift quote is). And I'm going to freaking enjoy this party, dammit.

"This is the first, tiny green sprout of life fighting its way out of the gravel parking lot of your heart."