Try Too Hard

Originally written August 26, 2016

"I understand why we get stuck sometimes. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give of ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over to another who may, or may not, value them as much as we do. People will love you in bits and pieces, and hate you just the same."

I've written many times, especially recently, about fighting my own monsters. A lot of you let me know that you relate, which didn't really shock me but was nice to hear all the same. Of course we all have pieces of ourselves that we'd like to improve. No one will ever be perfect but we can all try to grow and improve.

But what does that mean? Try? It's very personal isn't it? Has anyone ever told you that you're not "trying hard enough?" Of course they have. And sure, sometimes it's true. I definitely did not "try hard enough" that time I went snowboarding - because I was miserable and I didn't like it and I kept tumbling down the entire mountain. But then again, when I was going through my Divemaster training I was trying so hard that I hurt myself. Hmm ... this sounds like another balance problem, doesn't it?

No one can possibly survive functioning at all times at 100% trying to be a better person. So what's the right balance of trying? If I'm functioning at 95% of my "best self" does that qualify me for the titles, "good friend," "good sister," "good worker," "good daughter," and/or "good human?" What about 90%? 70%?

When am I not trying hard enough to be good enough?

And on the other side of that, what happens when/if I pass 100%? What happens when we put 110% into trying to be the best friend, sister, worker, daughter, human?

I'm starting to think that when you cross over that 100% line, by however much, that's how much you're giving up of yourself - the good, the bad, the you.

I was reading an article by Elizabeth Gilbert the other day (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) where she wrote, "years ago, in India, a monk warned me, "Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it." At the time, the advice sounded cynical, even cruel. It certainly flew in the face of Christianity's highest charitable ideals, as famously expressed by Mother Teresa: "Give until it hurts." But these days, I've come to believe that when you give heedlessly or with an agenda, you actually can give until it hurts."

I've realized that there will come times where you find yourself trying too hard to mold yourself into the person that someone else needs or wants. This isn't always necessarily the fault of the other person either. Sometimes it just ... happens. Because you care. Because you want to make someone happy. But that's like giving a mouse a cookie - other people, sometimes purposefully and sometimes accidentally, will bend you until you break.

In my last post, I ended with the quote "You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge." I think I was attracted to this quote for lots of reasons - mostly because it speaks to "being yourself." But now I like it even more, because I do think it's speaking to the dangers of trying too hard to be.

Please grow. Please change. Please give up pieces of heart to those you love. Please bend when the situation calls for it. Please realize when you're wrong and be strong enough to own that.

But please don't try too hard. Realize that your 100% doesn't look like my 100%. Take the self-improvement blinders off. Please realize that you are enough and that it's not you that always needs to fold. Please remember that it's okay to sometimes be selfish with yourself - your heart, your emotions, your time. And also remember that sometimes you aren't just hurting yourself when you give too much, you're also hurting those around you who needed to learn about bending themselves.

Try, but not too hard. Breathe. Balance. Be.