Alex in Wanderland

Originally written December 4, 2016

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk? Have you guessed the riddle yet?"
"No, I give up," answered Alice. "What's the answer?"
"I haven't the slightest idea," said the Hatter.

I am a chronic over-thinker. I overthink overthinking.

No, Lady Gaga, I wasn't born this way. Somewhere through the horrific trials and tribulations of high school I became one (I also got a bit more dramatic, can't you tell?). These days, I typically overthink everything, from what I should eat for breakfast to what I should do with the rest of my week (month, year, life).

Maybe it's because my brain works more creatively than it does practically. Maybe it's because I'm a woman? *Ladies, please don't take that offensively, guys are over-thinkers too. Or it could be that I'm a Leo, if you believe in horoscopes. Maybe it's a combination of all these things. Maybe it's none of these things. But I am constantly finding myself stumbling around a place in my mind I've affectionately named Wanderland.

Wanderland: the place where facts, black & white, clear vision, and logic aren't allowed. A place where telescopes are traded for kaleidoscopes.

As the Cheshire Cat would say, we're all mad here.

Wanderland isn't necessarily bad. I love the movie Inside Out (if you haven't seen it, you really need to). The movie revolves around 11 year old Riley, and takes place completely in her mind. She is controlled by five main emotions: fear, disgust, happiness, sadness and anger. She also has personality islands, like goofiness, friendship, and hockey (her favorite sport).

If I had to take a stab at it I believe my personality islands would be: family/friendship, career, ocean, writing, sarcasm and of course - Wanderland.

Wanderland, as I mentioned, isn't necessarily good or bad. In Wanderland, very much like Wonderland, depending on the day, hour, minute, things can go very differently. Curiouser and curiouser!

Sometimes, when I'm running through Wanderland I feel creative and inspired and excited. Some of my biggest decisions are processed through Wanderland first. I sit down there and ponder my choices, playing out what consequences and rewards different paths could bring me. It's an island for day-dreaming. Wanderland is what allows me to be alone and rarely feel lonely.

However, sometimes it's not that fun to operate from Wanderland. The Queen of Hearts is a real bitch, and she sometimes shows up to turn everything on its head. With her she brings stress and anxiety and the white rabbit with his little clock. There never seems to be enough time: time to think, time to decide, time to breathe, time to make the right decisions.

Recently I made a career move. It felt right - it feels right - but it was done fast and furious and in the middle of a lot of other "life" things that were going on.

Admittedly, it's got me spending a lot of time in Wanderland daydreaming about the possibilities and the improvements I can make or the actions I should take. But it's also got my brain spinning - am I already behind? I still have responsibilities to my old position. I was good at my old role - I loved my old role - will I be good in this role, will I love it as much? There's not enough time. Can I handle all of this? Did I make the right choice? What does everyone think of me? How can I learn to work with this entire new set of characters? What if I fail? Off with my head!

What's a girl to do?

"How puzzling all these changes are! I'm never sure what I'm going to be, from one minute to another!"

I know that no one has the exact right answer, but a friend of mine recently told me that I always want to move too fast. He told me that I have to give myself some breathing room, some time, to simply learn before taking action. I think that's true. I want to make things happen NOW (ha-ha to this saying - inside joke - you know if you know). Patience is not my virtue.

I don't have an answer for myself on all of this. "I'm afraid I can't explain myself. Because I am not myself, you see?" Once again I'm just getting these thoughts out of my head, releasing energy through my fingers into my words. However, I do know that although many stressful days are spent in Wanderland, magic also happens there. Without the chaos - can there still be magic and inspiration? Maybe I need to spend some more time in Wanderland after all ...

"Have I gone mad?"
"I'm afraid so, but let me tell you something, the best people usually are."

Down the rabbit hole I go,

Alex

12AM
And her mind wanders.
She tends to think about
Something that happened
5 years ago, or something
That happened 2 hours ago,
Or something that could
Happen 10 years from now.
Her mind is like a hurricane,
It's a wreck.
It's full of beautiful yet
Awful thoughts.
It's 1AM and her mind
Continues to wander.
                 A.E.