Selfish
Originally written April 19, 2017
self·ish
ˈselfiSH/
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.
It's a bad word, isn't it? No one wants to be called selfish. I've feared being called selfish my entire life. In fact, because of that fear, I'm positive that I have overcompensated in other areas of my life in order to avoid the label. Why am I scared of being selfish? I don't know. Does anyone know why they're scared of something?
Because of this fear, my walls have gone up higher and higher. If I don't need anyone, how can I be selfish with them? I don't need anyone to take care of me - I can take care of everyone else. And if I don't need anyone to take care of me - if I can take on everyone's else's pain, happiness, fear, anxiety, etc., I'll never be acting selfish ... Right?
It's only recently that I've begun to see what this behavior has actually done to me. It's stopped me from feeling. It's made me emotionally frozen. Looking back on the past few years, some pretty traumatic stuff has happened in my life. To be 100% honest with you, I don't think I've fully dealt with any of it. I've gotten overwhelmed, sure. I've dealt with major anxiety, yes. But it's almost as if I've gotten so good at dealing with my anxiety that I've learned how to tame it. And I think for me anxiety is what comes right before the real emotions, the real pain, the real roots of whatever the situation is. By lassoing my anxiety, I avoid all the rest and I go into caretaker mode. Does any of this make sense? It's crazy to think that I'm actually using my anxiety as a crutch, but I am. I'm using it as an alarm. "Emotions are coming!"
Here's a small example. My Dad had a major procedure a month ago. No one, himself included, expected it or had anytime to swallow the gravity as it happened so fast. I never even had time to feel fear. The next day, I was miserable - I could physically feel the anxiety pumping through my blood. I think my soul was begging me to feel. But I didn't. I couldn't. I didn't want to. After work I got in my car, headed straight to the movie theater and watched Beauty in the Beast by myself. As I sat there, munching on my favorite snack in the entire world, alone, I began to unwind. The anxiety settled. I'd won out again. Notice what I did there? I got away from people and their questions. I slipped into a fantasy world and it settled me down. I didn't want someone to ask me how I was doing because I wasn't even asking myself how I was doing. Because I didn't - I don't - want to deal with the answer.
Phew. Okay. This stuff is kind of heavy and confusing - sorry about that.
Now, let me clear something up here. I'm not blaming anyone. I don't feel taken advantage of. No one has forced me into this behavior. I'm sure some psychologist could pinpoint where along the way and why I developed this behavior, but in the grand scheme of things I'm not really sure that matters. I'm also not saying that I'm some kind of Mother Teresa who only cares for others and never thinks of herself. That's laughable. I do selfish things all the time. It's just my emotions I'm talking about here, now.
I don't want to stop caring about people. I don't want to stop helping my friends and family carry their pain, happiness, fear, anxiety, etc. I don't want to stop being a support for those in need.
"Don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't jump a puddle for you."
"No, do it. Cross oceans for people. Love people, all people. No conditions attached, no wondering whether or not they're worthy. Cross oceans, climb mountains. Life and love isn't about what you gain, it's about what you give."
Unknown
I still believe this.
But I do need to start being a little more selfish. Part of that process I believe will involve me pushing through that anxiety instead of pushing away. I'm never going to stop crossing oceans for people, but I am going to start paying a little more attention to the state ship I'm in. I think ultimately I'll be able to help those I love more that way, instead of the muted version of myself I'm giving them now. Selfish and then selfless, not the other way around.
"Self love is an ocean and your heart is a vessel. Make it full, and any excess will spill over into the lives of the people you hold dear. But you must come first." Beau Taplin
This upcoming "trip" (I have it in quotations because it's so much more than a trip - what do I even call it?!) is in fact the most selfish thing I have ever done. 100%, The entire thing is for me. No one else. And you know what? I'm going to own it. I'm not going to fear the selfishness of it. I'm not let other people's opinions or even unsaid words weigh more than mine.
I'm going to be selfish.