Unsteady

Originally written March 28, 2017

Here's the annoying thing about balance - anything can throw it off. A lot of times we (or maybe it's just me?) tend to focus on the big bad wolves that throw us off our axis. You know: death, stress, loss, anxiety, pain, heartache - all those buzz words.

That's not always the case though is it? Sometimes good things can throw us off course. It's strange, but a good news outcome can be just as overwhelming as bad news. Right now I'm feeling a bit of that paradox.

I feel like many people only know how to deal with the grey area emotions of others by saying, "it could be worse" or "thank god it didn't turn out like this" or "but just think about all that you have to be happy about." We divert. We divert because it's uncomfortable. We divert because we don't want to feel uncomfortable. We divert because we don't, can't or won't relate/understand. And then when things turn out "good"  we have the perfect out!

But ...

If things turn out okay, do the emotions automatically go away?

When the storm is over, the horizon is clearing and the sun is shining once again does that mean that the damage from the storm is gone too? Sure, the ship didn't sink. Yes, it could be worse. Sure, no one fell overboard. Awesome. But what about the tears in the sails and the scratches in the paint? Are those things to be ignored because they aren't serious enough? And what makes something "serious enough?" Is there a scale?

I just ... I'm feeling unsteady. I know things are looking great, but I'm still rocking after the storm. My adrenaline has faded and now I'm left with the tiny damages I never even noticed. And I keep trying to talk myself out even looking at the tiny damages. Shouldn't I just be feeling thankful? Shouldn't I just be laughing and smiling and grateful? And I am feeling all of those things. But I also can't help feeling other emotions, too. I'm stressed. I'm tired. I'm shaken. I'm relieved. I'm so relieved it's overwhelming.

It makes me annoyed with myself that I can't just move on and completely forget about the stress and anxiety and worry. I was so overwhelmed by so many things over the past week that I felt like I was drowning. Now that I'm on dry land I'm trying to tell myself I'm fine ... while I'm still spitting up water. It's frustrating.

I know things will be okay. Things are okay.

But I'm just going to take a minute, if that's alright, to get back up on my feet.

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt." John Green