Baby, This Is What You Came For

I'm writing y'all from a wobbly wooden table in the basement bar of my Florence hostel. It's hot and humid outside, although it has cooled considerably since nightfall. The table next to me is occupied by two young guys discussing the hotness level of some girls across the way. They have accents, perhaps German?, but are speaking in English for, what I can only assume is, my benefit. Although, they have yet to speak to me. They played rock-paper-scissors over a girl in a black bathing suit (they haven't spoken to her either). Another guy who doesn't look a day over twenty directly across the bar from me is wearing a boating captain's hat. In da Club is playing over the speakers. My four roommates, two guys from Uruguay and two girls from Australia, were all in bed when I wandered down here with my laptop. The guys came in around 2 last night and the girls must have stumbled in around 3 or 4 AM so I'm imagining they're all cooked. My fingers and feet are twice the size that they should be, bloated and swollen from the sun, the amount of walking I'm doing (my Fitbit is so proud), and my tendency to choose an Aperol Spritz over water. I desperately need to buy a new foundation because PRAISE my skin now has a slight tan glow to it and every time I apply I look a little off color now. I'm a pro packer at this point, but definitely have too much stuff with me (didn't stop me from buying a really cute white maxi dress from Zara today though). My brain is overflowing with history facts, art, skylines, and train times. I'm constantly sweating and smiling. Welcome to my life as a Girl on the Gogh.

I bet you're all wondering - is it everything I thought it would be? 

Yes. 

No.

Maybe.

Too soon to tell. In some ways, I feel like I've been gone a year. Other times I still feel like I'm on some strange extended vacation and I'll hop on my flight home any day now and get back to work. Wouldn't it be magical if after less than a month I could tell you that I'm completely changed and fulfilled and sure of my decision? Of course. But this is real life. And while I do believe in magic, it doesn't always work that fast.

I've seen truly incredible places even in the short time I've been doing this. Honestly as I was walking through the Palazzo Pitti today I had a wrecking ball moment where I was all of a sudden hit with the fact: here I am in Florence walking through a palace on a Wednesday. My mind still does not fully comprehend my current life.

Maybe that's it? My mind hasn't caught up to my circumstances yet. I'm not going to lie to you - it's a bit frustrating. I want to be enlightened, y'all. Guess it's not that easy. 

However, as I take another look around me and pause to think back on all I've been through since I stepped on that plane June 25th, all of this - the moments of complete awe and amazement, the moments of anxiety and loneliness, the moments of indifference or gratefulness, the moments outside my comfort zone, the rare moments of familiarity ...  

I do this for a fairy tale or romcom. I didn't do this for a cookie-cutter gap-year. I did this for the confusion, the uncertainty, the openness, the new skylines and infinite horizons, the possibilites and disappointments, the the liberty, the frustration, the chaos, the growth, the hope, the freedom.

This. This is what I came for.