Guilt Trip

Oh, hi there. Should I reintroduce myself? I feel like it's been THAT long since I've written. 

In typical Alex fashion, I underestimated how hard something was going to be, i.e. travel blogging, or, blogging while traveling. I haven't been writing much at all aside from the occasional longer than average Instagram caption.  

I've been feeling very guilty about it. I've been very hard on myself about not living up to the vision I have for Girl on the Gogh. Here's a fun fact about me - the harder I am on myself the more frozen and walled up I become. I'm not a self-motivator in that way. A flaw - one of my many.  

I can't pinpoint an exact reason why. Of course I've been busy, but not too busy to write. Perhaps it's a certain element of laziness - if you're a writer you know that it can be HARD. Netflix is easy. There's definitely an element of overwhelming-ness (my blog I'll make up words if I want to).  Maybe it's my 27-year battle with committing to anything. Probably a combination, and potentially some reasons that are obvious to you but I'm blinded to them. *I'm not asking you to throw tomatoes here, but, if you see something say something before the plane goes down alright?

Regardless, it's all left me feeling quite guilty.  Look at all you gave up! The voice inside my head constantly screams. You need to prove to everyone that this was the right choice. Prove it now. NOW. Now. Hurry, quick. NOW. Louder and louder it gets. IS YOUR LIFE CHANGED YET? How about NOW. Show everyone that this is more than a vacation and some cool photos and cocktail party stories. Let's hear something INSIGHTFUL, the crowd screams. 

Sorry to let you all down. My life isn't changed. I can't prove to you that this choice was worth all that I gave up. I can't give you anymore insight on life, love, or the world.  

If you know me or have been following my blog, you'll know that I recently got laser eye surgery. I didn't handle it well. Physically I had some hang ups, but emotionally it wrecked me. Recovery was slow, slower than I expected even though I was warned. It was a scary time. After all, we are talking about my vision. God, I remember a week where I cried every day because I didn't believe I was ever going to see properly again. When I hold something, a book or phone for example, a couple inches from my face it goes blurry. That never happened before I've whined to myself. I could see perfectly up close before. I've dwelled on this longer than I'd like to admit. When I left for my trip, I packed a pair of glasses to help me see crisply far away. My eyes are still pretty sensitive. Bummer. I wasn't supposed to have to use glasses. POOR ME. Why did I make such a dumb decision? Regret was my #1 emotion for quite a while. I should have gotten LASIK, I should have waited, I should have stuck with contacts, etc. 

Last week, my Mom and Dad asked how my eyes where doing. And weirdly, it kind of shocked me. Because I haven't thought about it. And once I did? I haven't worn my glasses once and I've seen everything I've wanted or needed to see. Sure, if I push my phone right up to my face the words go blurry - but why the hell do I need my phone squished up against my face?! Before my surgery I was literally helpless without my glasses or contacts (-6.5 people) & now I can see without any aids at all. Y'ALL. 

Why can I understand this now and not then? Why can I look past the tiny, everyday details and see (ha-ha) the bigger picture now?  Because then I was in the middle of the experience. "I was too close to it to know what it all meant," as Jedidiah Jenkins, a favorite writer of mine, would say. 

My life isn't changed. I can't prove to you that this choice was worth all that I gave up. I can't give you anymore insight on life, love, or the world.   

Or maybe I can, but I just can't see it.

Yet.