The Time of Our Lives
Most people I meet, whether in hostels, local pubs or free walking tours, are younger than me. On average, my roommates are 5-6 years younger which is not much in the grand scheme. Despite the fact that we're all in our twenties, however, these 21 and 22 year olds make me feel ancient. I tend to have real moments of jealousy wishing that I'd done my trip earlier, when I was younger. I'm three years away from 30 and while I don't regret for a single second the decision I've made, I would be lying if I told you I didn't have moments of panic wondering where the hell I'm heading with all of this (and I'm not just talking about plane tickets). I think about it, okay.
Just a couple of hours ago, I was chatting with a 22 year old guy from London. He's here in Edinburgh for a wild weekend with some of his mates.They've been doing a good job of it. The past two nights they came in around 4 AM and I haven't seen them out of bed before 11 AM. Last night they came in 3rd in the hostel beer pong competition. You know what I did last night? I watched Conair. I could hear the ruckus from the tourney and I was beating myself up over it pretty hard. "Alex you should be out there. You should be meeting all those people. Don't waste any time. Go have experiences! Go out on the town! You can watch Conair anytime, anywhere. They are having the time of their lives. You should be have the time of your life!" My self-coaching didn't work though and on the couch I remained. Full disclosure: I also watched National Treasure. Yeah, too much Nicolas Cage, I know.
Talking with this guy, I once again started beating myself up ... but then he asked me what I did today. I rattled off a pretty impressive list of the sites that I'd seen and the mileage that I'd covered. He, this is 100% true I swear it, asked me, "what castle?" when I told him I'd spent my morning there. We are staying at Castle Rock Hostel. It's located right underneath the gigantic castle.
Before I go too far down the rabbit hole, obviously none of this is black and white. I of course have had my up-till-dawn ragers (although the recovery time is much more dramatic) and will definitely have more along my journey. These early twenty-somethings don't all just party and sleep - many of them are right there with me. Sometimes I feel like I'd rather poke my eyes out than look at another painting. So don't get all offended. That's definitely part of the experience.
But I finally realized something really important - possibly the most important thing I've ever come to realize. I feel like it's been creeping around the edges of my mind for awhile now, waiting for me to ah-ha!
At 21 and 22 you're trying to figure out who you are. The catch is that you don't know that you're trying to figure out who you are. You're reckless without even realizing it, but that's okay, because you recover from heartbreaks and setbacks like hangovers - quickly. The end of the world can be fixed with cheap alcohol and a night out with friends. And the things that can't? Well those are the events and people that are shaping you, molding you. It's supposed to hurt. That's why you party and meet a new bestie everyday - you're shuffling puzzle pieces around without knowing what your end result is supposed to look like. You're using the world to try and figure out who you are and how you fit in.
If I would have done this trip, adventure, whatever, at 21 I would have had a great time. I would have met some cool people and seen some amazing things - just like now. I would have learned a lot about myself. But it would have been a completely different overall experience. And you know what? It's a disservice on my present to compare it to my could-have-been past. 21? 27? 53? 81? It's still the time of our lives.
At 27, I know who I am. Wow. That's a pretty bold statement, right? For better and for worse, I know who I am. I know what I will accept and what I won't, I know who I will let in my life and who I won't, I know what's worth fighting for and what's okay for me to let go. I know my strengths and oh boy do I know my vices and weaknesses. I know how I deserve to be treated. 22 year old Alex definitely did not know those things (she wasn't supposed to).
While the curtains may get a refresh now and then, a painting might get added, a window might crack - my foundation is solid. I'm not saying I don't have more to learn - we all will always have more to learn and I am certainly learning and unlocking parts of me while on the journey. There's still room for surprises in this scenario - hidden doors and skeleton keys. We can always grow and expand on top of who we are, we can surprise ourselves, but underneath it all, the foundation is steady. This is me.
So sure, I might not know exactly where I'm going as I age towards 30 - but I'm not lost.
I'm not traveling the world to try and figure out who I am. I know who I am. I'm traveling to show the world who I am.
Ah-ha.