29

I read somewhere that your twenties are your selfish years. I’m not convinced that’s universally true, but I have to admit – they have been for me. I’ve taken a lot of liberties with life, especially in the last few years. And of course, I have regrets. But really, I have no regrets. If that doesn’t make sense, you’ve never been through your twenties.

I can’t believe how from year to year, so much about who I am and how I see myself has changed. Certainly more so than in my teens, where I was too busy trying to relate myself to others around me to even recognize myself in a mirror. I remember so clearly being 21 and thinking that I truly knew it all. Hilarious. I knew nothing. In fact, year over year I think I know less about life, but experience more of life. Again with the me not making sense. It’s a theme.

Reflecting back over the years, I feel an array of emotions. Do you remember those view master toys from when you were young? Where you inserted the round disc of “film” and clicked through again and again to see different images? That’s kind of what it feels like to look back. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. And now, finally, 29. Millions of memories string themselves through each of those years, but when I reflect, they all sort of jumble together into larger snapshots. Click, click, click.

I started this post intending to write a summary of each year, but, I don’t really think that’s possible. So instead I’ll try to highlight the strings that tie all the years together: the lessons learned, the challenges faced, the realities accepted, the surprises enjoyed. Below you’ll find a mix of excerpts from some of my prior entries with some new thoughts jumbled in - all written throughout my twenties, leading to who I am today at 29.

On Adventure & Travel

“Make your choice, adventurous stranger; strike the bell and bide the danger, or wonder, till it drives you mad, what would have followed if you had.” C.S. Lewis

Book the damn ticket. The hardest part of leaving is leaving, I promise you. It doesn’t have to be for a year, like I did (best thing I’ve ever done for myself, btw). It can be for a week, a month, whatever. Just do it. Book it. Go. Don’t wait for anyone or anything. Guess what? The timing is never going to be right. Travel will change your life. It will break you and tear you down and force you to sit still with the pieces of you that you hate the most. It will also stretch you, lift you, and pour light into your life through cracks that you didn’t even know existed in your soul. You’ll meet people so different from you that you’ll struggle to even have a simple conversation and you’ll meet people who will feel like they’re torn from the same fabric you are stitched from. You’ll laugh and you’ll cry and you’ll feel more, because you’ll be in the middle of understanding what more actually means. Travel expands the definition of the most common words like more, time, friendship, loneliness, happiness. Everything is stretched out and enriched. So, do it. And then tell me all about it.

On Happiness

"Because I've learned that being happy is sometimes a conscious decision, and by deciding to move forward, you're choosing to find another happiness, a better happiness." Laura Williamson

When I was around 18-19, a good friend of mine told me that happiness was a conscious choice. At the time, I had no idea what that meant. She also explained to me, wise beyond her years, that it was a choice I would have to make over and over again. I didn’t know it then, but it’s the truest piece of advice I’ve ever gotten and I return to it over and over again. Happiness isn’t a luxury, and it’s not something you can just be. You have to choose to work towards it. Of course, there are days where it just seems so far out of your grasp. And that’s normal - the regular ebb & flow of life demands it. However, there are a lot of days or situations where I realize that if I wanted to be happy and feel differently, then I just … could. It’s not as easy as that, but it is as simple.

On Loss

“If I were dropped out of a plane into the ocean and told the nearest land was a thousand miles away, I’d still swim.” Abraham Maslow.

Loss means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Loss can mean the true loss of a person, to death, time, or distance. Loss can mean the collapse of the image you had for your life or a relationship. Loss can mean the realization that something you thought was black & white is truly multi-colored, and your perspective has been wrong all along. Loss can mean a complete shattering of the idea of something or something. We all deal with these loses differently. There’s no road map to overcoming. But we are constantly losing things and dealing with what that loss means to us overall. Again, it can be insignificant and barely a blip on the radar, or it can be so full and heavy that you don’t even know if you’ll be able to carry the weight of it. It’s a bit too easy, and unrealistic, for me to say that we should view loss as a gift because it teaches us. That’s true, but knowing something is true doesn’t always help make it any better. Sometime it’s important - and harder - to sit with the headiness of loss. Something I really learned in my twenties was to sit with my loss. Let it be heavy. Acknowledge that we’re treading water with no shore in sight. Looking loss straight in the eye is not easy and hurts like hell. But it’s so important in the healing process. And I think it’s an incredibly strong thing to look loss head on and decide to continue on despite of it.

On Taking Chances

Hope, dreams, possibilities - we've all heard these words are thrown around basically since birth. "What are your hopes, Alex?" "You have so many possibilities." "Follow your dreams." These sayings, when timed accordingly, can be incredibly motivating.

I have always been attracted to the possibility of things (be it a person, a goal, a job, an adventure, a relationship, etc.), sometimes more so than the actual *thing* itself. I'm a hopeless day dreamer. I make a wish before I blow out my birthday candles, I hope for the larger side of the wishbone, I dream dictionary my dreams, I believe there's power in four leaf clovers & I have a freaking shooting star tattooed on my foot. Do you need more proof?

I love the possibility of possibilities. But therein lies my flaw (well, one of my flaws). What happens when making plans and day dreaming becomes enough? What happens when my words and wishes become as fleeting as that shooting star in the sky? Okay, where am I going with this? I'm getting a little rambly. Stars have throughout history symbolized possibilities.But -- It's not enough to live on possibilities. You aren't living fully if you do. I can say this for sure because it's what I've spent most of my life doing. Talking the talk, making big plans, wishing, hoping, thinking, praying - but never walking the walk. I never let myself feel disappointment because I'm already searching the sky for my next wish.

I say to hell with that old cliche saying, "reach for the stars." Dammit - I wish no one had ever told me that was okay - or enough. Grab the stars! Grab them and hold on for the ride. Feel your wish burning in your hands. Live. Is it always going to end up as you think it should? Hell no. But that's life my friend and the more I learn, the more I believe that I'd rather swallow a bucketful of pain than a teaspoon of regret.

I'm not telling you to stop wishing on stars. Please wish on stars. Please hope and dream and take chances. Please always look up at the sky and know that you are just a tiny piece of this big world, but also know that you are infinite. Let them always remind you that there's light in the darkness. Possibilities fuel us - drive us - lead us - carry us. But don't let that be enough. Don't reach for the stars when you can grab one, take it from the sky, and put it in your heart. Your dreams are meant to be lived, not gazed upon from afar.

It's true, John Green, that the "world is not a wish granting factory." Sometimes stars are only meant to be in our lives for a brief moment before they shoot across the sky, leaving the wish or dream we made unfulfilled.

But remember, there's a n entire sky full of them up there - and they're all ours.

On Friendship

“You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you.” John Green

You find out who your friends are, yes. As you get older, you definitely realize what kind of people you want to spend your energy on – because let’s face it – you only have so much energy. Friendship is hard work, and no longer can we rest on the simplicity of being in the same sorority or being in the same math class like when we were younger. You begin to understand that you can only put that work into so many people and some people - good people included - just won’t make the cut. There are no cruel intentions, you just simply choose different directions. I also have begun to understand much more about who I am as a friend to others – which is something you don’t think that much about in your earlier years. Am I giving enough? Too giving? Do I work hard enough on my side of the friendship?

Growing up we’re told over and over that you should treat others how you want to be treated. But, that’s not really true is it? The way that I want to be treated isn’t how some of my friends would want to be treated in the same circumstance. For example - if I’m upset or angry, leave me be. Do not ask me if I want to talk about. If I wanted to talk about it, I would talk about it. However, some people desperately want sometime to ask or prompt them into a conversation about their feelings. This is a drastic difference, and one that I admittedly struggle with. Mindy Kaling once said that friendship isn’t a person it’s a tier and I totally relate to that. I have many friends that I go to for different reasons. I have friends that I consider to be my “best” friends, and some of them I talk to every day, and some a couple times a month. There’s no mold for friendship. But I guess my major thing that I’ve learned about friendship is that you have to do the work, everyday. People are going to hurt you, disappoint you, dismiss you - and you are going to do the same to others.

The key is choosing the people who are worth it despite all of that. The people who make you belly laugh. The people who you can think out loud in front of. The people who know how you take your coffee and what your secret obsession is. The people who will split a bottle of wine with you on a Wednesday. The people who will sit with you on a park bench and let you cry it all out. The people who will send you flowers for no reason. The people who know the real person behind your Instagram persona. The people who look past your circumstances - good & bad - and see the raw, real you. The people who challenge the hell out of you, push all your buttons, but also are your biggest cheerleaders. The people who see the worst in you but despite of that work to bring out the best in you. The people who make you truly happy to be you. Some of these people will be with you forever, some just a season of your life - but, regardless, find them and love them hard.

On Self-Improvement

“I understand why we get stuck sometimes. Hearts are stubborn. They sink their hooks into bad habits that look like people and dreams. But look at how much we give of ourselves. Our most precious gifts handed over to another who may, or may not, value them as much as we do. People will love you in bits and pieces, and hate you just the same.”

I've written many times, especially recently, about fighting my own monsters. A lot of you let me know that you relate, which didn't really shock me but was nice to hear all the same. Of course we all have pieces of ourselves that we'd like to improve. No one will ever be perfect but we can all try to grow and improve.

But what does that mean? Try? It's very personal isn't it? Has anyone ever told you that you're not "trying hard enough?" Of course they have. And sure, sometimes it's true. However, no one can possibly survive functioning at all times at 100% trying to be a better person. So what's the right balance of trying? If I'm functioning at 95% of my "best self" does that qualify me for the titles, "good friend," "good sister," "good worker," "good daughter," and/or "good human?" What about 90%? 70%?

When am I not trying hard enough to be good enough?

And on the other side of that, what happens when/if I pass 100%? What happens when we put 110% into trying to be the best friend, sister, worker, daughter, human?

I'm starting to think that when you cross over that 100% line, by however much, that's how much you're giving up of yourself - the good, the bad, the you.

I was reading an article by Elizabeth Gilbert the other day (the author of Eat, Pray, Love) where she wrote, "years ago, in India, a monk warned me, "Never give anyone more than they are emotionally capable of receiving, or they will have no choice but to hate you for it." At the time, the advice sounded cynical, even cruel. It certainly flew in the face of Christianity's highest charitable ideals, as famously expressed by Mother Teresa: "Give until it hurts." But these days, I've come to believe that when you give heedlessly or with an agenda, you actually can give until it hurts."

I've realized that there will come times where you find yourself trying too hard to mold yourself into the person that someone else needs or wants. This isn't always necessarily the fault of the other person either. Sometimes it just ... happens. Because you care. Because you want to make someone happy. But that's like giving a mouse a cookie - other people, sometimes purposefully and sometimes accidentally, will bend you until you break.

"You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy. If you round out your edges, you lose your edge." I am attracted to this quote for lots of reasons - mostly because it speaks to "being yourself." But I like it more because I do think it's speaking to the dangers of trying too hard to be.

Please grow. Please change. Please give up pieces of heart to those you love. Please bend when the situation calls for it. Please realize when you're wrong and be strong enough to own that.

But please don't try too hard. Realize that your 100% doesn't look like my 100%. Take the self-improvement blinders off. Please realize that you are enough and that it's not you that always needs to fold. Please remember that it's okay to sometimes be selfish with yourself - your heart, your emotions, your time. And also remember that sometimes you aren't just hurting yourself when you give too much, you're also hurting those around you who needed to learn about bending themselves.

Try, but not too hard. Breathe. Balance. Be.

XXXX

Phew. If you’ve made it all the way down here, congrats! I hope you connected with at least some of that. I hope you know that if you’re reading this, you’ve probably had an impact on my life in some way over these past 29 years, and that I am thankful for you and whatever role you’ve played in making me, well, me. For better and for worse.

Cheers to my last year in my twenties as we head into the next roaring 20’s. Game on, ol’ sport. The best is yet to come.

Alex