Lover

Taylor Swift just dropped her 7th studio album, entitled Lover. If you don’t already know, I love Taylor. I think her lyrics are incredible. I think she’s mad talented. Even the way she’s managed to create her brand is just genius. So naturally, I’ve had Lover on repeat.

And of course, it’s got me thinking about LOVE.

Before I get to far into my current thought process, let’s take a look back on what I’ve had to say on the topic.

From my post The New Romantics - May 2015

I've always considered myself a romantic. While I don't believe in love at first sight (Lust, sure. Chemistry, yes!), I have grown up believing in soul mates, Prince Charming, and Happily Ever After. I think most "Disney girls" have as well. But in our society, there has been a major shift as to what "romance" is. Even in the latest Disney hit Frozen, the prince isn't the hero - he's the villain!

What's going on? Is romance dead?

Let's over to Dictionary.Com to check out how romance is defined in black & white.

Romance (noun) 1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc. ... 4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.

Romantic (adjective) 1. fanciful; impractical; unrealistic ... 6. ardent; passionate; fervent.

Hm. Well then. This has certainly taken a turn.

Fanciful invention? That's a little harsh. However, to be honest with you, most of the romance I've experienced has been in my head. That day dream I had about staring on Dancing With the Stars and Val falling madly in love with me was, I suppose, a little bit of a fanciful invention. A little bit. I'll spare you further details.

Regardless, no, I don't think romance is dead. Romance is one of those words that should just have a blank space (T.Swift pun not intended, but hey, I'm pretty funny) next to it. Much like "love," "faith," etc., which are words that vary drastically in definition from generation to generation, place to place, culture to culture, gender to gender.

So, now that I've essentially worked out that I disagree with the Dictionary, what do I think romance is? Here's where Taylor comes back in. She says what I'm thinking better than I do. There's a reason she plays for millions of people and is one of the highest paid artists in the world & I write a blog that my Mom reads (No shame - Hi, Mom!).

We're all bored , We're all so tired of everything

We wait for trains that just aren't coming

We show off our different scarlet letters

Trust me, mine is better

We're so young but we're on the road to ruin

We play dumb, but we know exactly what we're doing

We cry tears of mascara in the bathroom

Honey, life is just a classroom

'Cause, baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me

And every day is like a battle but every night with us is like a dream

Baby, we're the new romantics

Come on, come along with me

We hang back, it's all in the timing

It's poker, he can't see it in my face

But I'm about to play my Ace

We need love but all we want is danger

We team up then switch sides like a record changer

The rumors are terrible and cruel, but, honey most of them are true

Please take my hand and please take me dancing and

Please leave me stranded, it's so romantic

Taylor Swift, The New Romantics

While I've grown up loving Titanic & Cinderella and all things involving a talking animals and a happily-ever-after, I have to say I can currently be classified under the Swift definition of a "new romantic." Maybe it's because of my generation, maybe it's a phase, maybe it's because I've become more and more focused on my career, but whatever it is I find myself less and less enamored by roses, "forevers," and easy compliments.

Don't get me wrong, pretty much every girl loves flowers and I include myself in that group. However, in the random mix of things that make up my definition of romance, they're maybe just an ounce.

A new romantic, I think, is a woman (or dude, whatever) that believes a spark is more romantic than a sonnet, a connection is strong until it's not, feelings run hot to cold - no lukewarm. Stability is nice, but not exciting. Battle scars are expected and worn proudly. Possessiveness is the #1 deal breaker while charm and wit get you everywhere. Heartache only lasts as long as those few bottles of wine split with a girlfriend. Anything but honesty up front is time spent wasted.

And I'm not just talking about with relationships. I'm just talking about life. The romance in books and travel and coffee shops and sunsets and dancing and food and … everything.

I realize this all sounds a little reckless, and frankly, not much like me. Because I do believe in marriage, and to me, marriage is stability and partnership and a solid understanding that's more than a fleeting moment. Please don't get me wrong - someone who throws respect or communication or decency out the window will never be romantic.

But you know what, I'm 24 years old. And I've taken romance so seriously my entire life and frankly it's exhausting. I don't need (or want) to throw away my values or my standards and I won't. But I can relax a little. I want to dance and argue and sing and laugh and cry and put it all on the line and hurt and act crazy and feel and love and just be a bad ass bitch. And I CAN.

From my post How to Be Single - September 2016

A couple nights ago, I couldn't fall asleep. I was scrolling through iTunes and landed on How to Be Single. I saw it in theaters and remembering having a few laughs, so I thought "why the heck not."

Let me just start off by saying this is a C+ movie, maybe even just a regular old C. I've certainly seen better. However, sometimes things (books, movies, people) return and hit you at the right time and something has shifted.

Now, I've effectively been single for 26 years, so surely I should have identified with the movie when I saw it in theaters less than a year ago. And I did. But mostly with the "girl-power," "ra-ra" standing on my own two feet part.

With quotes like this: "We're embarrassed to admit we're single, and try to pretend that we're not. We're supposed to act all cheerful and happy about it. But why should we be embarrassed? We're living longer, marrying later and refusing to leave the party before we're really, really done."

I'm embarrassed by a lot of things. Admitting I'm single is not one of them (although, I totally feel when people judge me about it). So I'm TOTALLY on board with the above quote, then and now. I have no interest in leaving the party before it's over. I love my life. I love the confetti falling through the cracks. I love my career. I love the things that I get to do. I love that I can call all of my own shots, without compromise or discussion or fighting. I don't have to think of anyone else when I book a flight to a foreign country or when I spend too much on sushi or when I work too many hours. Good choices and bad choices - they're all on me. I can handle myself. I don't need anyone else. Baby, I'm a new romantic! I've got this.

But then, as I sat there snacking on my SkinnyPop jalapeno popcorn (yes, it's a thing) a different quote, from out of nowhere, snuck up and slapped me across the face.

"How good at being alone do we really want to be? Isn't there a danger that you'll get so good at being single, so set in your ways, that you'll miss out on the chance to be with somebody great?"

Okayyyyyyyyyyyy.

This ... I admit, scares me a little. Because - I have no idea. How good have I gotten at being single? I'd venture to say if it were a test, I'm at least in the 90's. It's all I know. When I was younger, in my teens and early twenties, I was very self-conscious and embarrassed about it. I'm not now. Nor do I think will I ever be again.

However, have I passed the line from being okay with who I am to being shut off to who I could be (with)?

To be honest, and as far as topics go this one is pretty raw, it's not like guys are beating down my door (where the HELL are you Leo?). So, in reality, it's not like day to day I'm shutting guys down, rolling my eyes and placing myself on a girl power pedestal. But I am certainly quick to shut down, turn away, or find a reason why it'd never work.

I don't know what that means. Okay. I do. I'm scared (of letting someone too close, of getting hurt, of not having full control).

Also, what I said earlier is true. I'm not ready to leave the party.

But this isn't just about guys and romance. It's about any relationship. I say I don't like clingy guys. Fact. But I also can't deal with clingy people. And the more I think about it, it might be more my fault than anyone else's. Because what I describe as "clingy" might not be quite as dramatic as my brain computes it to be. I have an incredibly hard time with people who try to get too into my life. Family, friends, co-workers - doesn't matter. I'm fine with casual conversation. I'm fine with deep conversation. However, I don't like it when people feel like they know everything about me. I don't freaking know everything about me! BACK IT UP. Literally, I say those exact words in my head.

Sure, I let some in. But it takes a longgggggggg time for it to really happen and stick. And even then, I still have my moments.

At the end of the day though, being single is still about neutral buoyancy. Being single isn't a singular thing.

"The thing about being single is, you should cherish it. Because, in a week, or a lifetime of being alone you may only get one moment. One moment when you're not tied up in a relationship with anyone: a parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend. One moment when you stand on your own. Really, truly single. And then, it's gone."

This blog post isn't an application for Match.com, so don't get the wrong idea. It's also not me complaining about being single. It's okay that I take my time - I'm old enough and I've learned enough that I can decide who I want in my life and who I don't. But maybe I do need to take a step back sometimes and see if I'm being balanced.

I guess it's just me being real. I'm happy, lonely, free, and confused at the same time (or whatever that T. Swift quote is). And I'm going to freaking enjoy this party, dammit.

"This is the first, tiny green sprout of life fighting its way out of the gravel parking lot of your heart."

XXXX Present day XXXX

Reading some of that was wild, y’all. It it very interesting to see how much my tone changed in essentially one year, from 2015 to 2016. Also, wow, 24! I sounded so young (I know, I was young, still weird reading it).

I can see the shift starting to happen in The New Romantics, from rose colored glasses to, well, something else. I seemed to be much more certain in where I stood by the time I wrote How to Be Single. I think that was just age and the confidence that comes with it.

So, in 2019, where do I stand on all this? Am I a romantic? … No, at least, not in the traditional sense. I’ve seen too much to be a romantic. I’m sorry if that sounds cynical or bitter, but it’s true. Have I been hurt? Yes. Have I seen other hurt? Yes. But even stepping outside of that, I honestly don’t think that monogamy is in our human nature. I realize that’s a BOLD statement. Let me clarify. I do believe in monogamy, but I believe it’s a choice that we make, despite all of our natural instincts that are otherwise pulling us in different directions. Which, in a way, suggests that it’s even more powerful for those who choose it. So, I suppose, it could be viewed that I’m even more romantic than some, holding the believe that we can choose someone despite the universe working against us. But, this is all just conjecture. I’ve never been in love. I’ve thought I have been a couple times - lol - no. But you don’t really know that till you’re on the other side right?

I’m just not … a lover. In the human to human sense, anyway. I love sharks. I love laughing. I love horror movies. I love traveling. I love talking to new people. But I’m not a lover in the sense that I’m quick to build deep relationships, or let people in. I don’t let a lot of people love me - in the deeper sense. I don’t love people knowing the emotions underneath the calm seas I present. Emotions make me uncomfortable in general. I don’t know what to do with them. I’m not a robot, but, I definitely struggle in that arena. There’s probably a lot of reasons for that, some of which I’ll probably never realize. If you’ve met me, you know that commitment isn’t my thing. Not just in relationships - in general. Committing to plans for next Friday night freaks me out. I’m the girl who will book a flight before she’ll make eye contact for an entire minute. To give myself some credit, once I commit, I am loyal. Incredibly so, if I can say that about myself. But, deciding to commit is very hard for me and takes a longggg time - and it’s hard. I’m not going to dissect all the reasons for that - this isn’t Dr. Phil. But, it’s a truth about me that affects how much of myself I open to the world. Part of this, I believe, is what I mentioned in my How to Be Single post - I’ve also just gotten really good at being alone & independent. I’ve gotten really good at being the career focused woman who can take emotion out of the game in order to succeed. It’s going to be really hard to change that behavior. Or, not change, but balance out.

I’ve touched on this slightly before. Because, in many ways, this blog seems to be the opposite of the person I’m describing above. I’m open, transparent, painfully truthful. However, I’m also in complete control. This isn’t a dialogue that I’m having with someone on the other end. This is me carefully letting words and thoughts flow out to the world in my own time and in my own way. It rarely happens that way when another person is involved in the process. That loss of control is scary. I make a habit of running from it - and that “running” can present itself in many different ways: sarcasm, moodiness, detachment, humor, avoidance, conflict, teasing, iciness, etc. Ugly things, but they get the job done.

I don’t think of it as self sabotage. I think it’s more that this is just - who I am, how I know how to be. It’s took a long time for me to love the person that I have now become - so, I want to protect her. Just how she is. Does that make any kind of sense?

An Alex that is a lover is like an alien to me. Again, I’m not just referring to romantic love - although, that’s included. I mean any kind of love, openness. The loss of control that must occur for you to let someone else in. Vulnerability essentially guarantees that you are going to get hurt. Why would I sign up for that?

I want to make sure I’m not presenting myself as heartless - I do love people. Many people in fact. I’m just not open to it. Does that make any kind of sense? I think a lot of people I know have the opposite struggle as me - they loved hard and early, possibly failing to figure out who they are independently of whatever that love is. Everybody’s got problems, am I right?

Sigh. Where am I going with all of this? I guess … I realize that it’s something I need to work on. I’ve worked on a lot of things to be who I am today. And I do love her. But you can’t stop growing. You have to keep looking at your locked doors - you know, the ones you stuff all the things you don’t want to deal with or can’t stand to look at? I needed independent, solo, stand on her own, Alex for many of the challenges and heartbreak that I faced in my twenties. But I think maybe it’s time that I opened up that locked door and let some light in - and, through that, let some love in. Because being independent can turn into selfishness - which, is okay in some instances, but isolating as a way of life.

Maybe I had to first become hard so I can become soft. Maybe because I’m scared of it, it means that it’s BIG.

I’ve said many times that the hardest part of leaving is leaving. Maybe the hardest part of loving is loving.

I wanna be defined by the things that I love

Not the things I hate

Not the things I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of

Or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night

I, I just think that

You are what you love

Taylor Swift, Daylight

So let’s try to be lovers? *But don’t call me baby.

Alex