Pole, Pole

Friday I officially booked my tickets to Kilimanjaro. Because, if you didn’t know, I am planning on climbing Kilimanjaro, one of the seven summits, for my 30th birthday in August 2020. You probably have a lot of questions - most people that I tell typically do, which is totally fair.

Where exactly is Kilimanjaro? Kilimanjaro is located in Tanzania. How tall is it? It’s 19,341 feet, making it the tallest point in Africa. How long is it going to take you to climb that thing? While you can do it quicker, my trek will take 9 days to get me up and back down (because, yes, you have to come back down). Are you going alone? If you’re asking if I climbing the thing on my solo? No. I am part of a guided group. If you’re asking if anyone that I know is going with me, as of this moment, also no. But it’s possible there will be. Where will you be staying? We camp on the mountain. Have you ever climbed anything similar in magnitude? Not even close. How do you train for something like that? Most blogs that I’ve read recommend walking as the best training, as I’ll be walking on average 6-8 hours a day. The climb is not technical, so I won’t need ropes, special equipment, etc. The hardest battles will be my body’s reaction to altitude and my mental stamina. I see a trainer regularly to stay in shape, but I do plan on adding a walking program beginning in January to work on stamina.

But by far the most common question I get is, why?

This is harder to answer. I’ve always loved celebrating birthdays and I definitely want to do something special for 30. I’ve toyed around with a lot of different ideas. An epic scuba trip. A cabin in Alaska with a group of friends. A huge, Elton John-themed dance party. But none of them really stuck, and I moved on from concept to concept over the last couple of year (Yes, I’ve thought about this for a while - I told you I like birthdays). But then I stumbled upon the idea of climbing Kili. And once I did, I simply could not shake it. It was such a strong pull. So strong that within a week of wondering out loud if I could actually accomplish something like Kili, I’d put down my deposit and blocked my calendar. For someone who does not do well with commitment, it was quite the move.

I still haven’t answered why though, have I? Why do I feel such a strong pull to climb Kilimanjaro?

I know who I am. At 29 years old, I truly can say that I know myself. I know my strengths, I know my weaknesses. It’s true, at least in my experience, that your twenties are really when you discover who you are. Your mistakes are bigger and the consequences typically more painful, but your lessons are richer and more important. Unless you’re super new here, you know that I took a year off from my career to backpack around the world. It was hands down the best decision I’ve ever made. It allowed me to step outside of the pressure of wondering: wondering if I was only at my job because of my family, wondering if I was only in Lafayette because I too scared to really go anywhere else, wondering if the rest of my life was already set down an unchangeable path, wondering what would have happened if I’d made different choices, wondering if I was missing out on something. Wondering can keep you up at night, trust me. To sum it all up, I felt trapped by the decisions I’d made and felt helpless. Was this it? I truly wondered if at a certain point in a person’s life - is it too late to change course? Can you go too far down a path that’s there no chance of finding a new one? Trapped was a word that haunted me a lot. Trapped in a life of my own design. Very poetic and dramatic, considering my life was far from bad.

I won’t say that my year abroad cured me of wonderment, but I will say that I no longer feel trapped. I understand that in any moment, I have the freedom to change my path - I am in control. I understand that the decisions I make, while can and will sometimes not make any sense to others or may cause consequences, that the world won’t unravel. You adapt, people adapt, and the world shifts with you. It doesn’t always feel like this at the time, but it’s true. And funnily enough, the knowledge that I can at any moment shift into a new path has given me so much peace and has ironically allowed me to stay steady and make stronger, healthier commitments - to a career, to a city, to a life.

However, knowing yourself isn’t the same thing as total self-acceptance. Now that I know who I am at my core, I feel a strong pull to push.

I know who I am - but who can I be?

I have to say it’s a really exciting feeling, and much different than I’ve felt at any other time in my life. I’m confident of what I’m capable of and that confidence allows me to, I think for the first time, to really unleash my ambition. I had a very close friend - role model, really - recently tell me that sometimes others saw me to be lacking ambition. Honestly, it shocked me. Because internally, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. It was jarring, especially when I asked around a bit and people agreed. So, okay, while I know fundamentally who Alex is, there are still some blind spots - we all have them. And this was a big one. But when I took a step back I realized she was right. I held myself back from saying what I wanted. I believed that my actions would speak for themselves. I assumed a lot. I can definitely see how my year of backpacking can be seen as a laissez-faire attitude, when in actuality it was what I needed to make bigger waves and take stronger action in my life and career. This year, believe it or not, was the first time I said out loud at work that I intend to be a leader within the company - and that, one day, I intend to be the leader. It’s a bold thing to say. Even as I type it, I’m having to push myself to do so.

Why is it so hard to say something out loud that you feel so strongly inside? Well, there’s lots of reasons obviously: judgement, insecurity, fear, etc. Maybe it’s because sometimes I feel like an impostor, or that I’m still seen as a kid. But I think for me, it’s always been hard to share my goals because what if I don’t meet them? This is the ennegram 3 in me talking right now, I know. What I’ve learned though, as I’ve gotten older and as I keep repeating, more sure of who I am stripped away of everything else, is that verbalizing your goals / dreams / hopes out-loud is what really allows you to push.

I know who I am - but who can I be?

Bringing this back to Kilimanjaro … I don’t know why I’m so drawn to the idea of it. Maybe because it’s so outside of anything I’ve ever done. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the summit. But you better believe I’m going to fucking try. I feel a true excitement not only around this goal, but this time in my life. I’m ready to push. I’m ready to dream bigger and work harder. I’m ready to speak out my intentions, knowing that I’m not always going to succeed. But that’s the point. If I don’t push, I’ll never know. It’s scary, but all the best changes in my life have been scary at first.

I’ve read a lot of blog posts from people that have climbed or attempted to climb Kili. Something that they all mention is a Swahili saying, pole pole, meaning slowly slowly. Apparently, it’s the best way to get to the top. So … here I go.

Pole, pole.