Necessary
Oh hey there - it’s been a minute. Time has flown - and mountains have been climbed! Heck, we’ve ran in a new year & I’ve been very MIA. My apologies to the handful of people who tune in and read these things.
I was asked the other night why I don’t write more often. The only answer that feels true is I can’t. I’ve mentioned this before I’m sure, but writing is an outlet for me. It’s a type of therapy I use to release emotions that I am uncapable of expressing any other way. Writing also helps me take things that feel out of control and write them into something that feels a little more controllable. When I’m ready to write, I just … know it. There are moments where it feels necessary.
Which leads me perfectly into the topic of this post.
In passing, I was asked by a friend “what’s one word to describe your Kilimanjaro climb?” It took me off guard, because most people ask and desire much more detailed answers and play-by-plays. Could I choose just one word? I paused for a few seconds, and surprised myself with the answer as it slipped through my lips, “necessary.” As soon as I said it I knew it to be true.
Climbing Kilimanjaro was necessary.
nec·es·sar·y
adjective
required to be done, achieved, or present; needed; essential.
determined, existing, or happening by natural laws or predestination; inevitable.
noun
the basic requirements of life
You may be thinking to yourself, “Alex, how could climbing Kilimanjaro possible be essential to you life.” And I totally get that, because it seems very extreme. Hang in there with me though as I try to explain. A big portion of it goes towards tapping into the “Red lipstick” version of Alex. (If you’re confused, check out my last post: Red Lipstick & Sharp Edges). Basically, I need BIG adventures like Kilimanjaro to remind myself that that version of Alex exists inside me. Time, people, heartbreaks and triumphs, routines and social regulations all work together to soften our edges. Life works against us sometimes, muting the other versions of ourselves - the versions of ourselves that we sacrifice to be comfortable. The red lipstick versions.
There’s nothing wrong with this, honestly. But I think it’s really important to not totally loose those other pieces of ourselves, and it’s really important to remember how to unlock them. It’s important to allow those versions of ourselves to lead every once in a while. Disclaimer: it does not have to be as dramatic as climbing Kilimanjaro. I can be trying something you’ve never tried before, or volunteering to lead a project or heck, it can be eating dinner alone at a restaurant when you never have before.
So, bringing out red lipstick Alex is necessary because I never want to lose her bravery, her boldness, her willingness to push past things that are really scary or uncomfortable.
But another reason that climbing Kilimanjaro was necessary for me was to prove that I could. Not to anyone else, but to myself.
Get this: I chose Kilimanjaro purposefully because I did not think I could do it. If you thought anything otherwise, it was all false bravado. I’ve never really hiked in my life - certainly nothing at altitude - and when I have it wasn’t very enjoyable. When I was planning my 30th, I could have gone on a number of red lipstick adventures, but something inside me was drawn to this literal mountain of a task. And truly, I felt drawn to it from some place deep inside.
For someone who struggles with imposter syndrome, climbing Kilimanjaro is a physical, tangible challenge with two clear outcomes: you either summit, or you don’t. It was something I couldn’t argue with myself about. There were clear things I needed to change in order to accomplish it: routines, workouts, etc. I wasn’t sure I could pull it off - mentally or physically. I took my first steps on that mountain having no idea if I was actually going to get to the top.
Kilimanjaro was necessary because I need to believe I can still surprise myself.
I need to know that I’m not done growing, learning, stretching my beliefs, teaching. In order to do that - we all have to do what’s necessary. This means something different for everyone, and doing what’s necessary when it’s tangible is arguably easier than when it’s not. it can also be hard in the day-to-day routines that most of us have. It also gets harder when you know what’s necessary for your own growth is to become more open, or more honest, or more giving, or more empathetic, or whatever it is that you feel you need (which we tend to ignore until we can’t).
But doing what’s necessary is what unlocks the pieces of you that you didn’t know existed and helps you become a better human. Believe it or not, you can still surprise yourself. You just have to be willing to do what’s necessary - and - be willing to fail.
At least, that’s my belief. And it’s what I’ll be working on. Can I be more open? Can I be more trusting? Can I be more caring? Can I be more transparent? I’m not sure (and actually seem doubtful …), but I’m willing to be surprised.
So here’s to 2022. Do what’s necessary.