Red Lipstick & Sharp Edges

Since my year abroad - or gap year, quarter-life crisis, sabbatical - whatever you want to call it - I’ve looked through all the photos I took many times over.

And every time without fail, so many memories and feelings come rushing back. It’s weird - I can’t tell you what I ate for dinner last week, but I can vividly feel and remember the cool dampness of the Paris catacombs, my first taste of jackfruit, the funny way my tour guide pronounced glacier, the wild abandon that overcame me when I skinny dipped under a waterfall in Australia, the smell of lemon detergent in the cramped laundry room in the back of my hostel in New Zealand, the scrape against my knees as I climbed out a window to drink beers on the roof of my hostel in Prague, and the pride I felt when the Japanese woman on my dive boat mustered together all the English words she knew to tell me I used my chopsticks well.

These memories fill me with warmth and contentment as I think back on them, but I do I want to make an important distinction here. Funnily enough, reliving all the memories doesn’t make me want to pack up my bags and go do it all over again as you might imagine.

More than anything, it makes me nostalgic for the girl I see in them.

I guess that’s why I continue to chase big adventures - because they awaken that version of me.

When I was in Paris, I wore red lipstick everyday. And I absolutely loved it. I felt sassy and bold and chic. At home, I wear it rarely, on special occasions. Why is this? I’m not less confident than I was in Paris. If anything, I’m more secure. I could boil it down to being in a foreign country. Travel, especially solo travel, allows you to be whoever you want. You’ll never see most of the people you’re around again. There’s freedom in that. But there’s more to it than “travel.” I think whenever you reach for something bigger you unlock pieces of yourself that you allow to lie dormant when you’re comfortable. That “something” can be travel, of course, but it can really by anything - a new career, a deeper relationship, a life change.

Let me clarify again - I’m not scared to wear red lipstick. I’m not self conscious about it. I could care less if someone didn’t like it. It’s just that … this version of me, the most prominent, day-to-day comfortable Alex doesn’t do it. It’s not the me that’s me, most of the time. Does that make any sense at all? I probably sound like I have a split personality right now. Okay, here’s another way to look at it. Alex after a couple of tequilas is also not the me that’s me most of the time - she likes hugs and dancing and everyone she meets is her new best friend. It’s the same thing - except alcohol isn’t what taps into her (which is kind of cheating anyway) - but it’s that reach into the uncomfortable that unlocks her. I need to become braver and bolder so I do. Red lipstick Alex is the first to introduce herself, the first one to jump off the cliff. She has sharp edges and lots of scars, neither of which she pays much mind to. She’s open and vulnerable - on purpose. She seeks out strangers and tries to learn something, anything, from them. She is a chameleon, and becomes whoever she needs to be for the person she’s talking to or the environment she’s in. To quote Taylor Swift for the 100th, time, she’s a mirrorball.

Believe it or not - you may have never met her - despite knowing me for years. You may have only seen a tiny glimpse of her, quick as a flash of light reflecting off glass. Was she ever there at all? Did you really see her? She can be cheeky like that. Or, quite possibly, you could be thinking I’ve made her up because that doesn’t sound like the Alex you know at all.

I don’t need to be that version of myself everyday, so, I’m not. Actually, I honestly don’t think I could. Also, there’s nothing wrong with comfortable Alex. I happen to quite like her - she’s career driven and has a solid routine. She loves staying home with her cats and watching horror movies. She buys flowers at the grocery store and frequents her local coffee shop. She likes rainy days because it gives her a “real” excuse to read for hours. She eats the same breakfast almost everyday. She’s the me that’s me, most of the time. And I love her. But as you’ve read, she’s not the whole me.

Everyone has a “red lipstick” version of themselves, and a different way to unlock it.

If you are a person who rolls their eyes at astrology, prepare to well … roll your eyes. I was scrolling through Instagram and came across a post from Moon Omens, with Leo’s July horoscope. And serendipitously, it spoke directly to what I’ve been trying to explain in this post.

“July reminds you of who you are - who you are behind the social layers, behind the family layers, behind the educational layers, behind all the layers and labels that you’ve agreed to, behind all the roles that you agreed to play and behind all the protective mechanisms that you had to develop from your unconscious self in order to fit into this society, in order to be accepted by others and in order to fulfill certain expectations. This month is here to show you your spiritual roots, your ancestral roots, but not blood-related ancestors, your spiritual ancestors, those whose voices still echo through your being.” moonomens.com

Time, people, heartbreaks and triumphs, routines and social regulations all work together to soften our edges. They work to mute the other versions of ourselves - the versions of ourselves that we sacrifice to be comfortable.

There’s nothing wrong with this, honestly. But I think it’s really important to not totally loose those other pieces of ourselves, and it’s really important to remember how to unlock them. It’s important to allow those versions of ourselves to lead every once in a while.

Disclaimer: it does not have to be as dramatic as climbing Kilimanjaro. I can be trying something you’ve never tried before, or volunteering to lead a project or heck, it can be eating dinner alone at a restaurant when you never have before.

For me, it’s adventure. It’s picking out things that I know are going to make me uncomfortable - and, well, doing them. I have a lot of small reasons I am attempting to summit Kilimanjaro: adventure, travel, challenge, casual bragging rights. But the main reason? I’m miss that Alex, the one who is bolder and riskier and open. The one who wears the red lipstick.