Tip of the Iceberg - Cheers to 2022
The last time I wrote a New Year specific post was 2019, going into 2020. IF ONLY I KNEW what 2020 was going to bring! LOL. I’m not here to rehash all that though. Looking back on my post, I really enjoyed the format I used, so I’m going to mimic it below as I reflect on 2022.
2022 was … neutral, stable. Nothing too bad to weigh the entire year down, and nothing so notable that I will think of this year specifically for years to come. 2022 was not so much about growth for me, but for utilizing the growth I’ve gone through over the past few years. I leaned into my self-awareness and had faith in myself - that no matter what, I can always find inner balance. I can always come back to my center. This is not something I have always been able to do. I was tested in many different ways this year, by circumstances and relationships, both personal and professional, that may have in years passed made me question who I was or my worth. Don’t get me wrong - I struggled and had breakdowns and felt sad and angry and wished some things had gone differently. Self awareness doesn’t remove those struggles and emotions from life, it simply provides a true north. A star map. A way to navigate in the dark, in the storm.
I was both fracturing and solidifying throughout the year, energy moving through ice. Cracking, shifting, pulling apart, coming back together … it’s possible I’ve watched Titanic one too many times, but we’ve all heard the expression before - It’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I’ve spent many years not knowing or understanding what lies within me, viewing myself through the eyes of others. I wasn’t able to see what was underneath the water. The size, the strength, the core, and even the fractures. It’s because of these fractures, fractures that I’m now so aware of that when I mentally run my hand along them, I feel the sharp edges and the brutal cold. But because now I know I had to break there and there and there to stay afloat, to shift, to grow, I can accept them. I am aware.
Now I don’t view myself from the outside, I am aware from within. I am not a passerby to my own life. I am the iceberg. “I carry a lot of scars. I like the way that sounds. I carry a lot of scars.”
Because of this, I feel deeply unbreakable. Not unsinkable, as parts of us have to sink for other parts to float. But unbreakable, yes.
All of that being said, and before I start singing Celine Dion, I’ll give a little recap of my year broken down into moments, lessons learned, and new year intentions.
Moments & Lessons Learned
Getting Back to Travel - I traveled in 2020 & 2021 (even going all the way to Tanzania), but 2022 really felt like I got back into a rhythm of travel, both personal and for work. 2022 took me to Germany, Cocos Island (Costa Rica), Denver, Boston, Aspen, Las Vegas, Canada, Toledo Bend, Salt Lake City, and Vanuatu. While some of it felt quite hectic, I enjoyed every trip and was really just happy to get back to doing my favorite thing - making memories in extraordinary places with extraordinary people. Highlights were Germany (despite not having a bag), Cocos Island (despite or maybe because of never seeing a tiger shark), Canada (O’Beirne Wedding!), Toledo Bend (despite swimming for an iPhone), and of course - Vanuatu. The year isn’t over yet either! Wink Wink.
Godmother Duties - This year I gained two new godsons - so now I am a godmother to FOUR. Can you believe it? Honestly, I have no idea what their parents are thinking, but I’m honored all the same. I also got to spend two solid weeks with my one of my godsons in Vanuatu, and it was truly such a special time to really get to know the person he is growing into. And to watch him dive - a personal victory!
Big Moon Energy - I wrote about this in a blog by the same name, but I’ve always been into witchy things. This year, I really leaned into it. I felt a deep pull towards the work that is done within, and for lack of a better word, to witchcraft. It’s deeply rooted in self, and much of the work involves self examination. It gives much thought to our place in the universe and how we can balance our energy to maximize both growth and peace. I do strongly feel this focus helped me tremendously. I don’t expect people to understand or believe what I believe - as I expect the reverse in return. We all must choose different paths. This is, at least for now, calls to me and helps me make sense of things that seem too big in the moment. This work really taught me how to protect my peace.
You’re on Your Own Kid - Just read the post, if you haven’t.
The Scorpion and the Frog - There once was a scorpion, who had his sights set on crossing a river. Unfortunately, scorpions can not swim. As luck would have it, a frog wandered by just as the scorpion was thinking of giving up. The scorpion asked the frog if he would carry him across the river. As it so happened, the frog also had big plans of crossing this river. However, this particular frog, being a very smart frog, hesitated, afraid that the scorpion might sting him. “How can I be sure you won’t sting and kill me?” He questioned. The scorpion then promised not to, pointing out that it would drown too if it killed the frog in the middle of the river. “Surely you can trust I wouldn’t drown us both?” The frog considered this argument most logical and sensible. He agreed to transport the scorpion. Suddenly, midway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. Shocked, the dying frog desperately asks the scorpion “Why would you do this? You know the consequence. Now we will both die, and neither of us will make it across the river." The scorpion replied, "I am sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge. It's in my nature." This is an old fable, but something I’ve been struggling with my entire life. Nature vs Nurture. Can a leopard change its spots? Do people really change? … Maybe. I don’t know. I think there are some elements of us that are rooted into our soul - elements that are both positive and negative. And sure, we probably can uproot those things with a lot of really hard work, or trauma. But, overall the saying is true: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Scorpions are not" “bad.” There are scorpions everywhere, and you can happily coexist with them. Maybe you are or have been one to someone else (I certainly have been). But you don’t have to jump on their backs, you don’t have to give them control. Protect your peace.
Tunnel Vision on the Tightrope - Do you ever feel like you’re putting on a performance for people? At work? With friends? In a relationship? Sure you do. We all walk the tightrope at times, putting on a show, trying to be special and entertaining and captivating to certain people - both in our personal and professional lives. I know that I have sometimes gotten so caught up in my desperate attempt to keep people in their seats a little longer, I’ve gotten tunnel vision. No longer able to see the forest through the trees. I can’t stop, I can’t fall. I have to be perfect. I have to keep their attention. Are they bored? Am I still sparkling? In these times, I find it hardest to be self aware, because I’m so tightly focused on the act. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Aim higher, go faster. I did a lot of work this year trying to identify signs of tunnel vision within myself: behaviors, emotions, interactions, coping mechanisms. And what I realized is that the lights always go out, the curtain has to call. If I’m not enjoying the performance, if it doesn’t fulfill me too, then I’m just left with exhaustion and empty popcorn bags, sticky floors of sugary soda - the crowd already moving on to a new show. An empty arena. Tunnel vision is hard to self-realize, because it’s often disguises itself as a goal. Where are all my task-oriented people out? Did that hurt? Same. Don’t get me wrong, goals are GOOD. But not when they become unhealthy, not when you’re chasing a fantasy. Not when they become your only focus. Pay attention. If you’re still being fulfilled, then by all means - put on the best god damn show anyone’s ever seen. But if you’re not? It’s okay to let go.
Intentions
Cook More at Home - My sister is going to LOL at this one. I’m not trying to be as skilled as her, but at one point I was doing really well cooking at home (Thanks, HelloFresh!) and I want to get back in that routine.
Get My Shark Tattoo - I’ve been wanting this tattoo since I went backpacking in 2017 - it’s TIME. Swim with Sharks. I’ve went to an intense program on leaders (not to be confused with leadership) at Harvard Business School back in May. I went into it hesitantly. This feeling quickly turned into skepticism when on the first night my professor told us we were here to discover our purpose statement. Um … what? sounds … super fluffy. I’m not fluffy. As a basic summary, your purpose statement is the you you can’t help but be (vs the you you aspire to be). It’s your essence. We wrote a few drafts, & honestly mine were bullshit. It felt fake because it was a some version of me I thought I should be. I struggled. Our small team group members then were asked to write statements for us based on what they know of us (they know A LOT). Here’s what my team wrote for me: “Maximize all factors of life.” “Always be noodling.” (catfish - iykyk) “Keep my life meaningful.” “Dive deep, climb high, reach the ground.” “To sparkle with & for others.” “Helping people to be successful.” I love all of these. But our professor said when your purpose statement is right, it will sing to you. This also sounds like something I would eye-roll at, but, it turns out to be true. Mine came out of nowhere, but once it came to me it sang (& seemed so obvious). “Swim with the sharks.” This is ME. This is the me I can’t help but be. I’ve loved sharks since I was a young girl, for reasons totally unknown. It’s why I carry a shark backpack, even though I’ve been told it’s childish & unprofessional. It’s why I take risks at work even when I’m scared, why I do things before I know I can or if it will work out. It’s why I know I can lead. It’s why I’m strong & independent, but also (slowly but surely) able to recognize the parts of me that are vulnerable & soft. Because I continue to swim with the sharks. I love the feeling more than anything. And one day, hopefully far off & totally unrelated to actual sharks, because of my purpose and what I’ll manage to accomplish with my life, someone will walk past my tombstone & read, “She swam with the sharks, and she’s a mermaid now.” That is my purpose statement.
Read more Non-Fiction - This was on my 2019 list and while I have gotten better, I still need to push myself harder in this arena. Particularly with business books, but not limited to. Open to recommendations!
Intentional Friend Time - My actual New Year resolution is to set intentional friend time with my people, near and far. This could take many forms: a monthly-set phone call with a long distance friend, a standing Sunday coffee date with a friend I don’t regularly see, actually answer FaceTime calls (again, my sister is laughing and/or rolling her eyes), a letter sent to a different friend once a month, girl’s game night, lunch with a co-worker I normally only interact with in meetings, etc. As an introvert, it’s really easy for me to slip in and out of people’s lives, but I really want to focus on being more present for my people. If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ll see some of this behavior in 2023 - don’t freak out, I’m not on drugs. And put the pressure on me if you’re not seeing a shift, I need some life coaching y’all!
Goodbye, 2022
Now, we are again standing at the start of a new year, knowing that coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.
Thank you to every one who has helped make 2022 magical. Thank you to the people who made me forget to check my phone, the people who made me laugh until I cried, the people who taught me something new about the world or myself, those that pushed me past my limits, those who were soft and vulnerable with me, the people who taught me about how still even today, humans can surprise you - for better and for worse. Thank you to everyone who shared their wisdom, their stories, their stability, or their strength with me. I’m so appreciative. Thank you to those who I shared only a few moments with, and thank you to those who are still here today.
I’ve shared this quote many times, and it still holds its merit:
May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.
Hello, 2023. It’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Alex